I find myself being disappointed too often. And from my readings in yogic and other Eastern texts, I have come to the conclusion that it is because I set too many expectations out. However, I don't think that is quite right. I need to set more expectations for myself, and less for other people. Or to borrow another yogic practice - I need to dwell less on expectations and more on intentions.
Let's use a very current example. It is noon, and I'm still in my pajamas, haven't really eaten much (but am hungry) and haven't done a single thing on my to-do list. I haven't addressed the laundry in the washer, the empty coffee cup next to me, the baby who needs a bath (not that he cares about that), the stack of tax crap I have to sift through, or the mending pile that really needs work. So as the day goes like this (many of my days seem to) I come to the end of it feeling like I didn't really get to much of what I would have liked and I don't even really know why not. Sometimes I think that I should just "let be" and "go with the flow" and all that. And then other times I think, perhaps, I need to be a little more actively managing my time rather than frittering it away.
I didn't have much in the way of expectations today, but I didn't have any intentions either. So you might think that no matter what happened, I should be content. But my general and evergreen expectation is that I should do something with my day. Be productive! Be clever! Make, fix, clean, organize... something. Have a brilliant thought and immortalize it in words.
But I'm a stay at home mom now. Full time. My life revolves mostly around one 5 month old little boy. And I love my time with him. I am ecstatic to have this chance to be home with him. So, why do I get so disappointed?? I think it is time to clean the ol' slate, as they say, of the expectations I had for my pre-mom, paid-work, post-college me. Maybe if I can leave the slate clean... now that would be something.
KT Tunstall says in her song "Big Black Horse and a Cherry Tree:" My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm going to let it do all the talking.I have been feeling lately that my brain and my heart (or gut, or whatever you want to call the feeling-part instead of the thinking-part) are not working together very well. I think my brain is trying to tell my heart to stop telling my brain the wrong things. Sound confusing? It is. Who I want to be and who I feel like I am do not match. My time slips away and I have not spent it on the things I want, but I can't seem to figure out where the time goes or get a hold on it. Time and purpose are like slippery, shiny bubbles. I see them floating all around. I chase them, but as soon as I try to grab on - pop! - they disappear out of reach forever. I have begun to try to dig in to myself, gently, to try and figure out where all this dissonance is coming from and how to stop it. I want my inner me and my outer me to be in sync again, and for myself and my shadow to be back in step. Remember how Peter Pan's shadow gets away from him? Well, I need to find mine, sew it back on, and get back into one piece. Then perhaps I'll feel better.
Posted by Liz at 5:58 PM